Dont forget to be the way you are.

See, there's no point in me even trying to update this properly any more. I barely have time to eat, let alone write about how i'm feeling!  But here's a quick try: Tired, Happy, Busy, Stessed, Thankful, Harassed, Appreciated, Guilty, Loved, Over-worked, Scared, Annoyed, Joyful.

I'm a walking contradiction as always.

Bo work is MADNESS. Album out soon, busy busy! Feeling guilty because i'm badly neglecting other projects - but i'll get there in the end.

Children a hard-work joy as always lol. Xander having more blood tests next week, scared about that but glad more is being done so find out whats wrong. On a plus point he's actual weight bearing now and pulling up to stand. And what can i say about Piper except she is going to be a right little Madam! Such big smiles, but if she doesnt get her way she will screech until your eyes pop!

Talking of children, its nappy change time, oh joy!

... its been almost a year since i've posted here. Seems i just don't have time to blog. For shame.

Life is good, if BUSY. I have 2 wonderful children that seem to use up most of my day, even when they're sleeping, and an amazing job that again takes up the majority of my day. In fact between them, i seem to concentrate a weeks worth of stuff into one day, every single day. If only there were more hours in the day.

Anyway, the kids are finally asleep so i'm off to make a well deserved cup of tea before the next round of work starts. Joy!

I'm sure i won't be updating here again for another year, until then, so long and farewell Livejournal!

- Sarah.

So i had my appointment with the physiotherapist yesterday and it went well, she confirmed the pubis thingie and also thinks the stomach muscles that they cut through when you have a c-section have not recovered and strengthened as they should so i've got lots of strange tummy exercises i have to do.
She FINALLY gave me a support band, which is really just like a huge tube of stretchy bandage that i have to put on over my feet and wiggle up into it ... it goes from just under my boobs to right past my bum, not very attractive. I also just discovered its not easy to go to the bathroom wearing, because if you try to pull it up the whole thing rolls up on itself and feels like its going to cut off blood supply round your waist - and its not easy to pull back down whilst sitting on the loo!

I'm not allowed to sit on the floor to play with Xander because apparently that puts too much pressure on my pelvis, instead i have to go on all fours ... lol!
I've also been banned from working at the computer for more than an hour at a time and for much less time in total during the day, apparently i have to go on 'maternity leave' soon, pah.

Oh and i have to buy one of those exercise balls that you sit on. I do already have one but i have to get a bigger one and try to sit on it as much as possible and as an alternative to the couch (yeah right) because it'll help strengthen my muscles.

Going back in 2 weeks to see if its helping any, its nice to finally be getting proper treatment!

I'm really not very good at this updating thing am i?

Ok well a quick run down ... the past few weeks have been hectic to say the least, i've been throwing myself into as many different tasks as possible to keep my mind off the fact that this pregnancy seems to be moving at light speed. The thought of another c-section is terrifying me so i'm trying to distract myself, though i'm not sure if its working.
Mother-hen syndrome has also set in and i'm in complete nesting mode. We're redecorating the living room, hallways and bedrooms getting ready for the new baby, trying to get the kitchem worktops that have been sitting in the shed for the past year fitted, trying to sort the outside of the farm out so it looks less like a dump and more like a home (thanks to Peters dad people did actually mistake us for a scrap metal yard, no kidding), and getting business stuff ready for the *fingers crossed* hand over of the farm to us sometime in the next few months.
The only problem is, after all that thinking during the day i cant turn off my brain at night. Being a former member of the insomnia club this feeling is all too familiar, and i find myself lying in bed at night completely exhausted yet unable to stop thinking/worrying/stressing over what i've got to do the next day. I guess i'm just really lucky that if i've had a bad night Peter will get up with Xander in the morning to give me a few extra hours.

Work wise all is well, even if its getting hard to find time to work at the moment what with Peter gone most of the day and Xander going through this really clingy 'i want to be held 24/7' phase. I'm still working my Cebo stuff, but stepping out into some other stuff now too.
Anyway, my design went live on the Hotel Persona myspace (www.myspace.com/hotelpersona) which was pretty exciting. They were great to work with, i always like it when the artist actually wants input and gives me some idea of what they want, rather than waiting till the end and saying 'nop, don't like it'. Also had the added bonus of getting a free copy of the album in the post and it had me wanting to dance about the room, even in my current elephant sized condition.
My next project is a design for Amber's brilliant band Varnish (www.myspace.com/varnish). Keep in mind i have already started and restarted this design twice already, each time i take a break from it for more than a week or so i go back to it and hate what i've already done. I'm always ocd about what i do, but i think this is taking it to a whole new level. Perhaps its the added pressure of doing it for a friend, that i really really want it to be something special that will in some way help them on their way to achieving dreams of super stardom. Ok so maybe i'm reaching a little there, its just a myspace design, but still - every little helps right?

Besides that there isnt really anything else to update, my life is pretty much family/home/work ... oh and baking cookies. What an exciting life i lead. Cookie anyone?

Wow look at me, updating again! Not that i have anything to say that will be remotely interesting to anyone besides me, and maybe my mum.

So, turned out Xander wasn't sick from the easter egg, it was a virus. He had a very nasty looking rash that thankfully didn't seem to bother him, the vomiting eased off and now the rash is slowly clearing up - so the little guy is all ok now ^_^

Pregnancy - well i finally plucked up the courage to call the head midwife and confessed to her i really don't like my current midwife, so she told me i don't need to see her anymore and i can just go in to see the main consultant whenever i want instead. Great news :D
It also means i'll have the benefit of proper monitoring all the way through which will hopefully mean none of the problems we had last time.

Had my scan last week and its 80% that we're having a girl ... very exciting but scary too, girls are so different from boys this is going to be a new experience all over again!
I'm getting really big again too, seems i will be once again swelling up to the size of a small country.
Should be interesting seeing how long i can last for the pfww party, i have a feeling i might be asleep in a dark corner somewhere by 9:30pm lol.

I'm not even going to talk about work this time, not that it isnt great, i just dont have much enthusiasm for it atm ... i seem to be going through a rather domestic goddess phase instead and all i want to do is cook and clean up and play with Xander, tis strange taking a break but i guess i deserve it, i certainly wont have time after the new baby comes along!

Hmmm, i think thats pretty much it for now - i guess my life really isnt exciting enough for blogging!

I'm failing on my mission to update this blog regularly, which doesn't make sense. I work at the computer for at least 12 hours a day, and i cant even find 20 minutes to post something here?! *le sigh*

So, life wise things have been good if a little tiring as usual. Xander was sick after eating his first easter egg, he's not used to chocolate so his poor little belly did not approve. This led to many many hours sat rocking him and trying to soothe his pain during the night, and many many hours of cleaning up vomit during the day. Needless to say i was a little tired. Luckily he seems ok now, though wants food constantly, probably making up for not eating properly for the 2 days.

Pregnancy wise nothing much new has happened. I'm 20 weeks gone tomorrow and getting really big kicks now, its strange, i'd forgotten just how strong they could be!
I've also been avoiding my midwife and the dreaded blood tests for the past month, its weighing on my mind but i just cant face her ... strange since i'm usually so strong but she has this ability to make me feel like a naughty child that doesn't know what she's talking about.

Work is pretty interesting right now. Besides the usual band stuff, i'm still working on a myspace layout for Ambers band Varnish, that LA Spa, and i now have the exciting chance to put something together for HP! Their album artwork is just gorgeous and i'm looking forward to using it and hopefully making someting fab for them.
I'm also waiting to hear back from iamx management about the stuff they asked me to do, oh and Eagles of death metal said they'd love me to do something for them too! So yeah, things are pretty good on that front.

There's not much more to tell really, my life right now generally consists of waking up, Xander waking up, Xander day time and work, Xander to bed, eat, work and sleep.
I am multitasking right now though, i'm working, writing this blog and eating hot cross buns - go me!

As you might have guessed from the title, i'm currently reading:



Like most i watched the film with Johnny Depp and i really enjoyed it, but i have to say i'm enjoying the book an awful lot more.
While at times it can be an extremely vulgar and perverted play reeking with the corruption of London, if you look past that you'll see the very heart of the story is the depiction of the Earl of Rochester's ever changing persona. A pornographer and a poet, a womaniser that loves his wife, and an intelligence matched by few.
"I don't mean to upset people, but I must speak my mind. For what's in my mind is far more interesting than what's outside my mind."

Not so much a review as a mini appreciation, and a definite recommendation!

And while on the subject of recommendation's, recently i suggested the following books to a friend:

Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai by Yamamoto Tsunetomo.


Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Shunryu Suzuki.

Both wonderfully insightful books that quite literally blew my mind on the first read.

Oh yeah, and i'm posting some info about the Pfww Placebo party here too, in case anyone who doesn't have myspace wants to see it.

( Details under cut )

Been super busy with work stuff again so i havnt had a chance to post, all been worth it though since i should be working on the side project of some guys i think are fab, and could quite possibly be working on the new band of an ex member of above band too thanks to the wonderful lady T.

I've been working on some other stuff too though not as exciting, trawling through hundreds of LA posers myspace accounts is not fun.

Besides work i actually ventured outside on Friday with baby to playgroup, was fun until he decided to hit another baby in the head with a rattle. It wasnt on purpose, he just likes throwing things then shuffling after them, but the mother of said baby wasnt amused and promptly walked off.
Got snubbed by the other mums after that, honestly, high school anyone? *eye roll*

Also think baby might be mini clepto, since we managed to come out of the early learning center with 3 toys i hadnt paid for, dont know how a one year old manages to sneak toys into his pram and sit on them, but he did. Didnt realise till we got home so now i'm debating if i should take them back and pay for them ... yes yes i know morally its the right thing to do but its just soooo much effort, and im lazy :P

I think thats all for today.

Yes, one of those days again.

Lack of sleep due to idiotic, ignorant and selfish behaviour from certain people means i'm currently wondering, yet again, why people are so utterly selfish.
I could go off into one of those philosophical rants about how people are egotistical and selfish and the only reason they dont always act this way is the fear of retaliation ... but i wont. Because i'm too tired.

I can only hope that this person in question realises sometime in the near future that this house is a family home, and not a party house - or someone may end up getting hurt, and it wont be me.

I've been in one of those thinking moods today, and what i've been pondering over most are people.

Why must some people be so utterly stupid that you want to poke them in the eyes with a blunt object? Why do some people, no matter what you say to them, go on regardless and ignore every piece of advice you offer them. Then when they realise just how wrong they were, they pretend it was everyone else's fault.
And why do some people insist of thinking only of themselves, no matter how much their actions may hurt others?

See this is why i dislike people, give me alone time any day.

On a completely different note, i made a really hard decision on Friday - 18 of our cats will be re-homed. For some time now we have been taking cats in, looking after strays etc because i'm soft like that when it comes to animals ... but recently adding up the cost of the food, and the damage to the house, and the vet bills i realised something has to give.
And i don't have enough time to give them all the attention they need now either with one child and another on the way, which kind of defies the point of giving these cats a 'loving' home.
So anyway, i called a lovely lady at our local cat shelter and she phoned around and she has managed to find new homes for them all - she is even going out to check all of them to make sure they're suitable homes, which eases my worries to no end.
I'm going to miss my little tribe. We'll still have 12 of them and 4 little kittens but it wont be the same walking round the garden with all 30 of them following me.
But some things are for the best, they'll be able to get one on one time with someone rather than having to share me with a baby and the other cats.

I suppose thats enough rambling for one day.

What could be more fitting in this day and age than a fat cupid holding a mars bar? A single mum cupid perhaps? See how many diverse cupids you can spot - my personal favourite is the gay rights cupid, just look at that tash.

Happy Love Appreciation Day to you all.



Please accept with no obligation my nonsexually harassing, potentially platonic Valentines regards as a token of my/our love, lust or friendship within a relationship that we may or may not choose to be monogamous, whilst understanding that the romantic sentiment that it signifies does in no way guarantee the success or progression of the said relationship over any length of time. The sender reserves the right to remain anonymous.

Yet again its been months since i bothered to post anything, so here's another book size update on the life of Sarah and co.

Its been over a month since i found out i was pregnant again, and it was a shock to say the least. I've decided to at least try to keep a blog this time, as my attempts last time failed miserably, which is a shame really because i would love to be able to read back now and see just what was going through my head at the time, because it all seems hazy to me now. I suspect it may have been rather depressing though, as i was suffering badly with postnatal depression and not really enjoying the first months with the baby to the fullest.

I've made up for all that now of course, and thankfully my depression has passed, but i still cant help that niggling feeling that those 6 months were a bit wasted.

I suppose it didn't help that at the time we were living in just one room, the house was going through extensive works and we didn't have a working bathroom for the last 4 months of my pregnancy. Believe me trying to pee in a bucket when you're as big as an elephant is NOT fun. That was just at night, during the day i was brave enough to attempt the obstacle course through to the old side of the house and use Peter's dads bathroom ... freezing cold and draughty, i think i preferred the bucket.
The bathroom got finished the week i went to hospital, probably because i cried at the builders - shouting and moaning hadn't worked so i decided to use the pregnant woman card. Sobbing and snotting everywhere whilst whining that 'i just wanted to be able to pee in my own toilet' seemed to work, they finished the next day. Goodness knows how it takes 4 months to refit a bathroom anyway, i have the feeling they were trying to drag it out as long as possible to earn as much as they could, luckily we wernt footing the bill.
So i had a lovely long shower in my own bathroom at last followed by a nice restful night (got up to pee at least 6 times but that's neither here nor there when you don't have to use a bucket) before waking up the next morning to realise the baby hadn't kicked me all night, or much the day before either.
I was quite overdue and i had another week to wait before i was going to be induced so i thought i'd ring the hospital just to be safe. The midwife, who had obviously heard it all before, sighed and told us to come in for a check. We didn't think we'd be staying long so we just called a cab and made our way in.
I got strapped up to a machine to monitor the babies heart rate and within seconds the 'sighing' midwife's attitude had changed. She explained that the baby appeared to be in distress, his heart rate dropping to as low as 50bpm then jumping back up to 180bpm. The norm is 120-160 so you can see why she was concerned.
It was at this point it dawned on us that we were here to stay, and we'd finally see our baby - tonight!
After a lot of discussion they doctors decided to try to get my labour started and sent Peter home for my stuff, assuring him we had plenty of time.
He'd only been gone 20 minutes when the babies heart rate dropped to 50 again, and stayed there. Within minutes another doctor was there telling me i needed a c-section right now. It seems silly now but i begged them to wait long enough for Peter to get back, i was just too scared to go it alone! They agreed to wait 30 minutes while the anaesthetist made his way to the hospital and then that would be it.
I was shaking with absolute terror as they wheeled me down to the surgery ... Peter got back just then, he didn't have a clue what was going on and got dragged into a side room to get changed into hospital scrubs.
He appeared minutes later to find me sitting in the middle of the operating theatre shaking so hard the anaesthetist couldn't put the epidural needle into my back. Fourth attempt later they managed it, and i cant even describe the pain of that besides it feeling like someone snapping an elastic band inside my spine.
I lay down while the staff moved efficiently about the room getting everything ready, and the anaesthetist tried to make me laugh by choosing 70's disco music for the cd player and then proceeding to dance to it. So much for my relaxing Sigur Ros birth music.
Everything moved so quickly that before i knew it the surgery had started and the doctor was fishing about in my womb for the baby. I say fishing because that's what it felt like. I mean, i was numb, but i could still feel something. Almost like someone doing the washing up in my belly. Strange huh.
It felt like seconds but it was actually a lot longer, and then the baby was there. They lifted him out and took him away to check him, and Peter and I waited holding our breaths. Then there was a piercing cry and we both let out the breath on a relieved half laugh, half cry.
They brought him over and placed him in Peters arms while they finished stitching me up, it took about 20 minutes but it felt like nothing as i just lay there staring at the baby ... while he stared right back at us.
Its hard to describe the feeling of being parent, the first time you see your baby, but i can safely say nothing else i've ever felt has matched it.
The first time they placed the baby on my chest, while they wheeled me back to the ward, was just overwhelming. This tiny little person, skin to skin with me, was all mine.
The haze soon wears off though, when you cant move because of the operation and your baby is crying constantly for food ... as are the other 3 babies on the ward. Its even harder when you're breastfeeding, it feels like the baby is attached to you 24/7 ... and he probably was. I think in the first 3 days in hospital i slept about 5 hours in total, not just because of the perma-attached baby, but the pain too. Goodness knows why anyone would choose to have a c-section, or call it the 'easy option'. It really isn't, your completely unable to do anything, and it hurts for months. Makes you feel useless too, when you have to call the midwife over to do anything - even having a shower alone is impossible, the first time i tried i ended up fainting, and its not fun being wheeled naked from the shower back to bed. I ended up signing myself out of hospital on the third day, i'd had a really crappy night and an even crappier midwife who obviously wasn't happy at being on the night shift - there's only so much you can take before you want out, and being told to 'get the baby myself you're not an invalid' (just 2 days after having what is a major surgery cutting through my stomach muscles) was enough for me.
It was a major relief to be home, and an even bigger relief when my community midwife came out each day with the morphine. Precious morphine.
The next few months were hard to say the least, and i'm really too tired now to go into it, but thanks to Peter i got through them and now i enjoy every single happy second with the baby that i can.

I was going to write some about my pregnancy but i need a break now after typing all that so i'll save that for another day, besides not much has happened yet except for all the sickness.

Must stop typing now, time for bed.

I havnt been here in a long time. Long with a capital L.

Things have changed so much since i last posted. My life completely changed paths and its great.

I did a little update in my Myspace blog a few weeks back, i'm lazy so i'll just copy and paste ;)



Its been over a year and a half since i moved from Liverpool to Hereford, and i can safely say i've never been happier.

There was a time when i thought i'd rather not exist than carry on the way i was. It was an effort to breathe, to speak, to eat, and my mum's sofa became my home. I abandoned my flat, it hurt too much to see how 'he' had destroyed it when i finally kicked him out ... so i took my cats, locked the door and didnt go back until i needed my stuff to move out.

Meeting Peter was the event that jump started my life, got me back onto the path to happy ever after. I stopped taking the tablets that made me feel numb ... for once i wasnt dead inside.
It wasnt easy, Peter wasnt a miracle cure, my depression didnt vanish overnight, but at least the bad thoughts were dimmed, they changed from a blinding 100 watt bulb to a more managable 40 watts.
Each day brought a new challenge, getting dressed, venturing outside, talking to friends i'd rejected months earlier ... getting back into living, as opposed to just existing.
But at every step, Peter was there, holding me up, supporting me, and loving me in a way i never thought possible, in a way i never thought i deserved.

The decision to move to Hereford was one of convenience at first. It was costing too much for Peter to travel to Liverpool each week, and he couldnt leave his responsibilities at the farm.
It was only when i got here that i realised i'd finally found my place. Dont get me wrong, it was a big adjustment, certain members of Peters family irk me to the point of rage, but if i push that to one side i can see exactly why i love this place ... and after a recent visit back to Liverpool i know i could never go back there.
I miss my family and friends, i miss the music scene, i miss the beauty of my favourite places, but i dont miss the chaos, the noise, the dirt and grime that comes with a big city.

Besides that, Hereford is a wonderful place to bring up a child.
Which moves me onto the next big change in my life.

We had talked about having children in the future, but just 4 months into our relationship we realised i was pregnant.
Quick? Yes ... a mistake? Never.
Alexander is an unexpected gift ... and i could never call something as wonderful as him a mistake.

Life with a baby isnt easy, you'll never understand the sleepless nights until you experience them yourself, and the first 6 weeks will push you to the edge of insanity.
Having already suffered from depression my midwife warned me i might experience Postnatal depression too, and experience it i did.
Having a cesarean didnt help either, i dont know why people call it the easy way out of labour, because its not.
Sitting on the stairs at 3am crying my eyes out while the baby screamed in his cot for yet another feed i felt like it would never end ... but it does.
Peter kept me going, looking after the baby while i had a half hour of sleep, helping me as much as he could so my wound could heal properly ... even when my stitches popped and i was doubled over in pain, he kept calm and in control.

Exactly 6 months since Xander's birth, i can happily say it was all worth it.
Every time he smiles my heart flutters, when i'm in a less than happy mood all he has to do is giggle, and i'm grinning from ear to ear.
Yes, life with a baby isnt easy, but its more rewarding than i could ever explain.

Peter is still my rock too, our relationship has definitely changed, we dont have as much time for the cuddling and kissing, we cant spend the whole day in bed anymore, but we deal with it, and look to the future when the baby is all grown up and we'll have time for 'us' again. In the meantime we're just enjoying being a family.

I'm also trying to fit in some 'me' time. Working on the website and forum makes me feel useful in life outside being a mum.
Working on stuff for Placebo is fun too ... the myspace is interesting to say the least! And its leading onto even more work, which is good.
Certainly a big change from the finance and accountancy field i was in!
Talking of Placebo ... i should probably be working on the new myspace layout now, but i'm going to send some time with the baby and Peter first, its all about finding the right balance isnt it?

Life has never been so rewarding. I love Peter, I love the baby, and i love life.

 

So there you have it, my life summed up into a few paragraphs, i hope its been an interesting read. Although i doubt it :P

So long and Goodbye for now.

So this is my first post. Everyone else seems to have one so thought i'd join in.

Now that i'm here i dont know what to say! I'm so tired from work i cant be bothered writing about my day - it was boring!

Anyways i'm sure i'll come back soon

xxx mwah xxx